I am not really one to consider myself to be an artist of any type, but this depression stuff brings out some experimenation in me.
This one is called "Repentance of Judas"
This one is called "The Natural Condition Of The Heart"

The first piece was with oil pastels, and the second and third ones were with pastel chalks.

Today's Progress

This morning after I finished by previous entry I actually was able to sit down and watch Amelie. I was wrong on the origin of the film though; it is French and not German. I thought it was pretty good. I guess the moral of the story is that no matter where you've come from, you should stop making excuses and just go after your heart. Could be some good advice sometimes.

I have been able to keep food down most of the day, but I also haven't eaten a whole lot either. I know that taking this medecine is supposed to help me get better in the long run, but I just have to say that I'm not looking forward to taking it tonight. I have still felt a bit nauseaous. Right now I don't know whether to look forward to supper or not.

My wife went to the store today though. She said that for desert tonight we could either have these double-chocolate brownies, or some kind of cookies n' cream pudding. I opted for the pudding. I do like brownies, but over the weekend I made these chocolate brownies that had choclate/caramel and butterscotch chips in them...mmmmmmm.....very yummy. But I figured I had already had brownies this week so I'd go with the pudding. I am a cookies n' cream fan.

If I have another sleepless night tonight, I'll be spending some time watching The Matador.

Oh God!

Oh God, help me...help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me....help please.

Little did I know how prophetic my last entry was going to be when I wrote it...the one about the toilet. I'd kill to have that thing now.

I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and he diagnosed me as being depressed. Then he gave me about a month's worth of sample medication. I think it is called Laxapor...GOOD LORD it is LAX. I went to bed last night around 11:30 and I have been up every 2 hours doing you know what! Although I think I might see the end in sight; but I think that I'm now afraid to eat anything for fear of it coming back. Damn side effects.

Anyways, this will probably keep me home from work today...so the trick is to try and find a decent way of conveying this to my boss without giving her too many unpleasant visuals.

It has been strange so far. The doctor said that it might take about 2 weeks before I see any results...but I always seem to be the exception. I actually had a very short dream in the night. The strange thing about the dream was not the fact that I was in an episode of King of Queens but that everything in it was just so freakin' slow. Everyone moved, spoke, and thought slowly. I'll take that any day over some of the dreams that I had been having. I don't even know what the hell those where about.

But then the second dream that I had right before I woke up the last time was one of those where I am me, but I'm not, but I am...well I was trying to convince myself of some things that I wasn't sure of that the "other" me was. It is really kind of complicated, but for some reason I was much taller, had dark curly medium length hair, and was skinny and wearing a suit.

Well, it is now 5 am and I am wide awake. Maybe I'll eat. Maybe I'll try having a smoke. [Right before bed I had a smoke or 2 and then felt nautious; but I think that was just the medication because I didn't read anything on the drug's website about smoking] Maybe I'll watch that German movie Amelie that I've been meaning to get to for weeks.

I'll talk to you later.

This just sucks

So, I am sitting here at work. I just went out for a cigarette about an hour ago and while I was standing there, I just wanted to jump out of my skin. I realized that I didn't really want to go back in to work. I really just wanted to go back home...But what I am going to do if I go back home? Probably go to bed. Then I'll probably just wake up feeling the same as when I laid down; not to mention how that will just mess up my schedule again.

For some reason, I just love sleeping during the day, but I hate being up all night.

My mom sent my wife and I a link to a Job that can be done from home and setting your own schedule, but I wonder if it is really worth anything. It is taking orders from people over the phone and processing them. I would love to set my own schedule, but I often wonder if I would really stick to it or get anything done.

I called the doctor and left a message and they are supposed to call me back. I just want to do something...but nothing at the same time.

I hate this.

Give One For The Crapper

OK everyone, I am going to be vulnerable for a little while. I know that it has been a while since I have posted, but things have just been busy.

In the picture on the right, you will see a very elegant toilet. It is very nicely shaped, has a beautiful finish on it and is in what looks like a very impressive mansion. But the fact remains that it is still a toilet. Gross.

Well, I have been feeling lately like my life is just...well...like it's in the toilet. We are having some financial difficulties because yours truly here screwed up his W-4 form for 2005; so because of that we owe the state of Iowa $1800+ dollars in taxes that were never taken out of my checks for the year. We were planning on going on a family vacation in late February out to Arizona/California but that is now out of the question because our only vacation now will be when we get Uncle Sam off our back. Needless to say, I made the adjustment so that this little "incident" won't happen again next year.

So where does that put us? In the toilet. We just bought a new van out of necessity. I didn't really want to buy new, but since we didn't have the cash to buy used, and since we got a helluva deal through a negotiator we went ahead with it. I think that the payments will be around 400 bones a month. Ouch! Well, at least it is a nice van and it should last us a very long time. But in the meantime, I am now out looking for a part-time job to help us gather the rest of the dough that Uncle Sam wants, and to help us get ahead on the van payments. That's right, a part-time job...on top of my full-time job. So it looks like I'll be working about 60 hours a week now.

What a feeling. I am 27 years old and I was out on Saturday morning in the nearest "bigger city" to ours walking around the mall and driving around asking kids younger than me if the places that they work are accepting applications. I felt like I was about 17 years old again, and worst of all it is just proof that "The Man" has got me. So there goes some family time right down the toilet. That means that about 3 nights a week, and 1/2 a day on the weekend I won't get to see my wife and kids. That really sucks...but at the same time, it kind of makes me think back to a time when fathers were forced to go find work a hundred miles away from their families and only get to return once in a while. Times were hard but they made it.

So the only thing that makes any of this worse is the depression that I fight. No, it's not bad enough that I'm going to whack myself or anything; that would just be dumb...but there is just this real lull in my mind and a real lack of wanting to do anything normal. I find that my patience with my daughter is down, and that kills me. [no pun intended] Or that I just don't want to get out of bed most days. Or the fact that listening to Tom Waits sing depressing songs about smoking and drinking over memories of failed endeavors seems to "lift" my spirits.

I was talking to a guy at church about this yesterday who is also a fellow depressant. He advised me that since I have battled with it before and that chemical issues are in my family that I should go see a doctor and see about some meds. I think I'll follow his advice. Usually when I get depressed my sense of humour is the first thing to go. Man I hate that.

Well, I need to get back to my regular job now. Well...I guess I'll pretend since there is nothing to do. I need to call the Doctor.

Pat Robertson's Financial Repentance

If anyone has been watching the religious news lately then you know that Arial Sharon suffered a stroke. Well, Pat Robertson opened his mouth once again and leveled the charge that Sharon suffered this stroke as punishment from God for giving the Gaza Strip back to the Palestinians.

Now, I won't get into all of the many reasons why I greatly disagree with the theology behind what Robertson believes concering Israel, but what I will say is that he has made a complete ass of himself once again by invoking this supposed special revelation from God as to why these events happened.

Let's just look back at what happened over the last year or so of Pat's claims- He told the residents of Pennsylvania that since they voted out Intelligent Design from the public schools that God has left their presence. [Hmmmm....interesting] Then he went on to say that Hurricane Katrina was the punnishment from God on the people who lived in that area as a result of their local corruption through gambling and immorality and voodoo worship and such. [Hmmmm...Again, interesting]

Well, his latest faux pax comes with blaming the Prime Minister's stroke on God. My first problem with this is just the argument from biology. Sharon is a 5'7" man who weighs 350 lbs. In the words of Michael Savage "It's a miracle that he didn't have a heart attack or stroke before now."

Anyways, here's what's happened. Pat screwed the pooch by making this claim, and then what happened? [Well, let's set some background first- Pat Robertson and his crew were trying to get some land secured over in the "Holy Land" that would serve as a Christian Amusement Park of some kind. Israel was going to lease the land to him for free because it was going to generate some odd billions of dollars in income for the Israelis who would work there.] Well, when the Israelis get wind of his statements about Sharon, they decided that they would re-think whether they would give him the land. They said that they could not do business with someone who would believe such a thing. So what does Pat do? He offers an apology for his statements as being insensitive. Then when the Israelis received this written apology they said that since he did apologize that they can probably still go through with the transaction.

What we have here is not a sincere and apologetic Pat Robertson, we have a marketing driven man who makes retractions to his statements; not because he is truly sorry but because he is a money hungry spiritual prostitute. And then on the other side of the fence we have Israelis who know what kind of man that Robertson is, and they are still willing to do business with him because it is going to make them money as well.

I could get into the whole financial aspects of this ridiculous issue but I want to focus on the issue that is closer to home- How can Pat Robertson's supporters continue to follow him? Have they become so blinded by their own ignorance that they can't see both of this man's faces? When are they finally going to kick this guy to the gutter and tell him to stop giving Christians a bad name? The guy is a moron, a hypocrite, and a thief. I would at least have some respect for him if he would at least admit to having these problems, but instead he covers them up or just "apologizes" for them.

Pat, you're a loser. You are an emperor with no clothes. Everyone can see that you're naked, so why don't you just go back inside?

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That's all for now. I'll be back later with interesting blogging.